Lessons Learned : Romantic Relationships
Yes, I’m back from the dead & here with some new neww!
I’ve had my fair share of love & heartbreak over the years (mostly unrequited crushes but no matter) and so I sat down one day & blasted into my deep, dark past - before I ever knew what a healthy & happy relationship even meant for me
(yes, I’m throwin’ all the shade- sorry, not sorry).
Let’s get it, let’s goooo, people! ;)
There’s no better way to know what you want in a relationship than knowing & understanding who you are. Know the things that you like and why that is. It’s important to love and accept yourself before you expect someone to do the same, right? (RIGHT)
You’ve got to learn about what love is, how you receive it, and how to show that to others, too. Knowing yourself will help you build the confidence to stand up for what you believe in & where to set limits for what is and is not acceptable in future relationships.
Yes, you can always grow with someone but growing with another person is different than growing on your own. No one else is going to grow for you, you’ve got to do that on your own.
If you haven’t heard of the finding your love language,
here’s a link to discovering your Love Language!
& Don’t forget: remember who you are
Sometimes you can lose yourself in a relationship. It happens when one doesn't have a good grasp of self. You can forget to put yourself first when you’re head over heels for someone new. One way to keep yourself is to take time to do things that you like & cultivate that. A healthy relationship will make you feel and grow into your best self
Privacy is a good policy
Looking back, the most success I’ve ever had in serious relationships is when I’ve kept it on the down low. No one knows my business, therefore, I’ve got no one giving me these ideas of what my relationship should or should not be.
Of course, don’t completely ignore words of concern from loved ones, y’know? Take their words into consideration too because you never know, they might be seeing something you’re missing.
From my own experience, keeping things private at first can help you see the relationship better for what it is when you’re not spreading all the details. The longest I've kept a relationship secret was for 6 months and I've got to say, it's worked wonders for me.
understand that love is sacrifice
When you love someone in the healthiest, best way possible, it’s only natural that you’re willing to sacrifice for that person. It might be leaving your home to follow a dream or job opportunity. It might be spending more of your time to help with something that’s got nothing to do with your interests or losing sleep so that you can make the next day better.
It’s different for everyone.
True sacrifice is given with all of that person’s heart and yeah, many times it’s very difficult to do (why else would they call it a sacrifice, right?) which makes it all the more precious when someone is willing to be selfless for you.
I think it’s a real blessing when two people find each other and understand what this selflessness really means.
Know when to leave & know your limits
My first real relationship was in high school & that all ended terribly early in my college career. It left me feeling alone, helpless, used and unwanted. It was unhealthy in so many ways & I’d used the worst ways to attempt to keep this person.
You should never feel like you need to beg someone to stay, give up your core beliefs or have to let go of any hard limits.
There is someone else who’s better, who will treasure how special you are and who will stay for the right reasons.
With the help of one of my best friends, I was able to realize that that mess was enough & it was time to rip the bandage off. Truly, I have never felt more free from something so toxic.
Do yourself a favor and free yourself so you can be happy, too.
With all of that being said, healthy relationships shouldn’t ever put you in danger or lead you to do something that harms you physically or mentally. If you’re unhappy in a relationship, LEAVE. If you can’t do it on your own, please ask someone you trust for help because you deserve to be free and happy.
If you or someone you care about might be in trouble. Call for help. Dial 911.
*** Help is also available at The National Domestic Violence Hotline ***
Don’t rebound - BLEH.
(Don’t waste your time pt.1)
I rebounded once. I didn’t really realize that it was a rebound until after leaving the mess that that relationship was (or whatever it was). So I think it’s safe to say that rebounding is TERRIBLE & UNHEALTHY. You’ll be wasting someone else’s time & emotional energy AND you’ll be wasting your own. You could’ve been halfway through healing by now instead of messin’ around with some person who didn’t even meet 50% of your check list.
So put yourself together, boo because we’re both better than past Marr.
no, no, no you’re not a nanny
OH MY GOODNESS.
I was in this thing where he just wouldn’t. LEAVE. ME. ALONE. Like for real, for real.
And yeah, OK, I know: “Marr, this makes no sense. You obviously didn't like this person. Why were you even with them? LOL”
I know. Exhibit A of why rebounding is a terrible & an unhealthy idea.
If you feel like someone you’re talking to is gettin’ on your last MF nerve because they literally will not leave you TF alone to let you do anything you want - bruh, grab your boss babe self & walk right out of that mess.
You don’t have time to be some grown person’s nanny. Life is too short.
People have to change on their own
If someone is insecure about something and that negativity is beginning to sink your relationship, you’ve got to understand that that has nothing to do with you & everything to do with the other person’s personal self growth. You can always help a situation but ultimately, it’s that person’s responsibility to do that on their own.
Again, you’re not someone’s mother or nanny. Be there for the person you care about but if the vibe you want for your life is going in the opposite direction of where you want it to be - I’m gonna have to say… NEEEEXXTTT.
(Don’t waste your time pt.2)
- which bring’s me to the next thing: DON’T SETTLE.
This might sound superficial & it might very well be but I honestly believe in it. If you’re not proud of the person you’re with, acknowledge that.
Are you attracted to this person 100% or are you like 70% there but like, the 30% is because he’s got “great” personality or he has the same faith as you, etc, etc.?
UHHH, I say go with your gut. It should be an all around feeling & positive vibe throughout.
No, don’t close yourself out from new people & new experiences but if you’re not feelin’ it, you’re not feelin’ it, y’know? Don’t push something because you just “haaavvve to be in a relationship” or your “time is running out”.
You are worth so much more than some low standard that you falsely believe you deserve. Set the bar high for yourself, beautiful. Carry yourself modestly & fabulously; you’ll eventually meet someone who will be at the same level.
Respect & honesty & loyalty
It’s simple but for some reason, people forget (like uhhh, whut?).
Be respectful & kind to one another. Be honest & real with each other and be faithful to your promises of loyalty. Communicate & APPLY these things everyday.
You have each others’ hearts. Take care of each other.
Balance other relationships
The honey-moon phase can take a while. Not everyone is going to appreciate it, especially if all you do is spend time with this new person & ghost your good friends.
DON’T DO IT.
I’ve been plenty guilty for choosing to spend time with a new person instead of going out/spending time with friends. There’s definitely a balance you’ve got to understand and that has everything to do with what kind of friendships you have with the people in your life. Of course you’re going to want to spend time with your new boo but don’t forget that you had a life outside of that before.
P.S. If you’ve got friends who have never been in relationships before, of course they’re not going get it. Both sides need to be patient. Talk that sh!t through!
P.S.S. If you’ve got single friends & they’re just bitter, that’s not cool. Again, communication. It’s probably not even about you (personal problems etc.) because true friends are happy when you are, y’know?
P.S.S.S. ‘P.S.’ means ‘post scriptum’ which means ‘written after’. I googled it & wow, you learn something everyday, man.
Actions speak louder than words
Really, this goes for all relationships…
You can talk, talk, talk about solutions all you want but if you’re not putting in the work everyday to better yourself, which in turn ultimately benefits your relationship, then no one’s getting anything done & your relationship won’t move forward like you want it to.
You’ve got to put in the work & always be mindful of your thoughts, your words and your actions.
Solve Problems @ the Source
If you’re having issues with your significant other, GO TO THAT PERSON. Don’t go running to your mama or your best friend or some dude on the street, asking about you can make so & so better or how to make your relationship problems go away. Find the source of the issue, go your significant other, communicate the problem & how you feel about it, and DON’T FORGET to find a solution (you’d be surprised. not many people get to a solution) & actively work on it.
There are so many ways to help better communicate with one another. That might mean going to couple’s counseling or sitting down every week to talk things out.
Pray about it
Don’t forget that there is power in prayer. Pray for your partner often whether you've met them already or not. Trust in God’s will & he will provide you with what your heart desires and what you truly need in your life.
I prayed a lot for what I wanted & I was real about what I desired in a man. I talked through my own reasons during these intimate moments with God and it truly helped me to better understand myself & what I need from a relationship.
Oh & don’t forget that you’ve got to be ready too - to hold & care for the heart that He blesses you with whenever the time comes for you.
I’m definitely not an expert on romantic relationships but I feel like I’ve been through enough of some mess to know what I search for in my life, so I hope I was able to bring some thoughtful things to the table to help make your relationship/love life a little easier to navigate through!
Trouble in paradise? Hit me w/a message down below! xoxo